I Remember
by MusicalCatharsis
Summary: And I remember her as if we still spoke, I remember the scent of her hair and how good it felt to hold her. I remember how much I love her and how I can't be without her. Brallie centered.
1. Chapter 1

And I remember her as if we still spoke. As if that night we were caught together didn't tear us apart completely. I remember the smell of her shampoo and the slight curl in her hair. The way she smiled was always just a bit crooked, like she wasn't used to the gesture. I remember the feel of her smooth lips against mine, the feel of her hands in my hair. And I remember the way seeing her used to make me feel, like she was the only one around when she walked into a room. I remember the way the lights would always shine brighter. She was a breath of fresh air in my stale life. She brought me down to my knees literally begging her to kiss me again. To love me forever and I guess in a way she did. She does. She changed my outlook on life in the short period of time she was with us. She changed me, if I was being completely honest with myself. Callie Jacobs was an enigma, one I never really got to solve.

I remember the night she left us, with nothing but a note begging us to take care of Jude. She had said it could never be the same, she couldn't stop loving me. She didn't want to stop loving me, she didn't even want to try and that made me smile. She said she didn't mean to cause any pain, but she had and so it was time for her to move on. She thanked moms for their hospitality, the words written so eloquently in her neat little cursive. She claimed that she would be okay, that she had a skill set to fall back on. I hoped she was right about that, but at sixteen what skills did she really have?

I remember the immense pain I felt when we realized she wasn't coming back. The burning in my throat from unshed tears, the hunger gnawing at my stomach from lack of sustenance. The frustration of not being able to keep anything down. I remember waking up one morning and feeling okay, and then immediately hating myself for feeling that way. I remember I used to sit in front of my keyboard for hours playing a song for her until my fingers were stiff from playing. The pain of them jolting me into remembering why I sat here hour after hour, day after day. I remember eventually I stopped playing altogether and that killed me more. It would have killed her too.

I remember the distance I put between myself and my moms, blaming them for her leaving. The hurt looks that crossed their faces will forever be etched into my mind. I remember going to school and coming home. I would stare at her bed for hours, knowing she was safe when she was here. I used to sit there for hours inhaling her scent. The bed is still made with the guitar I gave her neatly propped against the pillows she hasn't used in months. I remember hating her for leaving me here to deal with this alone. For making me learn to live without her, it was a cruel and unusual punishment. And when it got to hard to remember, I drank to numb myself, because at night I fall asleep to her face.

I remember reading a file my mother had left on the kitchen counter one day. It was hers and I cried at what I read. She ended up in juvie yet again, and was to be released next week. I remember moms whispering about what they were going to do about it. I remember crying tears of joy when they decided to pick her up and bring her back home. I remember begging to go with them that day, but the mile long road I put between us was littered with too many roadblocks to cross in one day. Too many open ended conversations, too many things left unsaid. I remember sitting in the living room on that rainy day waiting for her to come back with them, I sat there like a kid on Christmas morning. She was my present. I remember the crooked smile I had when I saw the car pull into the driveway.

I ran outside, with no shoes on, no jacket and certainly no umbrella. I stood there waiting for her to step out of the car. And when she did I felt everything snap back into place, I felt everything shift and I felt whole again. She had a black eye and a busted lip just like the last time. But this time there was a twinkle in her eye and it belonged to me. She was wearing my school sweatshirt, a ratty old pair of converse sneakers and jeans with a hole in the knee. And when she finally looked at me she was wearing that jagged smile. I remember shouting her name over the rolling claps of thunder, praying she could hear my pain in the word. She yelled back and I knew she meant she was sorry. I remember shrugging as if to say it was okay, and honestly for the first time in months it actually was. And I stepped forward my toes squishing into the wet grass, the rain beating onto my head, and trying to embrace her. I remember being told no, not by her but by my mother. I remember the look I gave her, one of pure hatred and confusion. As if to say this will bring me back to you, she will heal me, why can't I have her?

My mother spoke, I hardly listened anymore but I tuned in this time. She said that it had happened again, and to be careful. That we all would have to talk. I tilted my head my eyes flashing with such hurt. I remember asking her what had happened, and when my mother uttered his name I remember howling out in pain. My knees buckled and I hit the ground hard, frustration building up inside of me that all I could do is scream and beat the ground in anger. I didn't realize she was standing above me until she spoke. The words she whispered gave me a sense of direction, and in that moment she changed the course of my life again. Wait for me. Three words spoken so softly between roars of thunder but yet conveyed everything I had wanted to hear. She was okay, or as okay as she was going to be, for now at least.

And after we had both showered and the family welcomed her back with open arms and moms doled out her semi punishment for running away, we sat in the living room. The coffee table between us, cross legged on the floor, staring at each other. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I asked her why she left. She said it was easier than getting kicked out. I said I didn't understand they both ended with her away from me. She responded with her way was better because it brought us back together. I had to agree. And then we sat in silence, just looking at each other, knowing that things would be okay. And for right then it was.

She had to go to night school to make up the months she missed, and she begged moms to let her go to summer school instead. The dark seemed to scare her now, I guess she knew better than any of us what exactly lurks out there. It didn't help matters that he was out on bail. I remember the day she walked into my classroom, her eye swollen shut and her lip bleeding just a bit. I stood up anger radiating off of me in waves. She looked at me, her bottom lip trembling, her eyes begging me to not make a scene. I huffed and sat back down, watching as she grabbed her missed assignments and left the room.

I remember how I exploded that night asking her a million questions while she sat on the couch with her head hung and her hands clasped between her knees. I remember the sad look in her eyes when she said that this is what happens when she stays in one place too long. That he always finds her. I was so angry by that point that I didn't even think to console her. I stormed out of the house, and to my car. I heard her screaming behind me, begging me not to do anything stupid, pleading with me to stay. But I trudged on, the last thing I remember seeing was her tear streaked face.

I don't know the rest of the story but I piece it together by the snippets of conversation I hear throughout the days. I went looking for him, to give him some of his own medicine. I found him alright, and I thought I had beat the shit out of him. I thought I left him for dead in his shitty apartment but I was wrong. They say he ran me off the road, head first into a tree. By the time she had found me I was already bleeding out heavily. The surgery was a success they say, and they say I could wake up today, tomorrow, a year from now, or never at all.

It's when I hear her voice for the first time that I try to open my eyes. And when she leaves I lose my will to fight. But she comes back the next day, and the next, and everyday for the week after and the week after that. She comes back to me begging me to stay with her and I do.

She tells me she misses me, and she knows how I felt when she was gone. She took up the piano for me, and plays me a lullaby. She says my bed doesn't smell like me anymore and moms are fighting because they can't express how much they miss me. She says they adopted Jude, but she declined because no matter what she does, she still loves me.

And I remember her as if we still spoke, I remember the scent of her hair and how good it felt to hold her. I remember how much I love her and how I can't be without her. I remember what it felt like to live. And I realize that the last time I saw her was with tears streaming down her face, and all I wanted to do was see her smile.

"C-C-Callie?"


	2. Chapter 2

The physical therapy was intense and expensive and I didn't realize what a toll my actions had taken on my family. Moms were distant with each other and with me. Callie's hair was long and blonde now oddly enough. I remember the first time I took a step without the use of my cane, was a happy occasion. I remember the tears that streamed down my mother's face. And she looked at me, while munching on a carrot stick, she actually looked at me like I was going to be okay. That look, that made me remember.

My dad stops by once a week like clockwork and we sit in the living room. He talks sports, I talk about her. He gives me a look, and I give it back. Somewhere along the line his little boy turned into a man. He doesn't know what to say after twenty minutes so he stands, fixes his belt, and leaves. I vow to never be like that to my children. I don't get special treatment from anyone, not even at school. I'm the odd one out now, and I'm counting down the days until graduation. Until I can grab her and run, there's only 60 left now. I remember the map we had drawn out of where we would go, I just don't remember where I put it.

I remember our first date. I took her to a movie, and then to the neighborhood diner, she smiled the whole time. I like to remember her smile, it makes me happy. We sat and talked for hours about everything. About nothing. She told me her hopes and dreams, how she wished to be nothing like her parents, but everything like moms. She told me the envy she felt with the bond I had with my parents, and I scoffed at her, because there was no bond anymore. We were strangers now.

We walked that day because being in a car gives me stomach pains, so bad that I can't see straight and I pray to god that it won't be this way forever. I'd like to travel the country with her, but I can't do that if I can't get in a car. My legs are getting stronger and I can walk further these days, but I won't ever make it to Connecticut. I smile at the thought of the east coast, far enough away from here, but close enough to still call home. I remember what it's like to have a home.

When we get back to the house she kisses my cheek and goes upstairs and I watch her go. It's then that I realize that this isn't just a passing crush, one that I can get over. I realize that I love her, and I want her with me for the rest of my life. I realize that I hate to see her leave, but I love to watch her go. If you get what I mean.

I give my mother a hug that day, and tell her I love her. I remember the intense pain I felt when she breaks down and cries in my arms. She spills her heart out to me, and I act as the parent and rock her to sleep. I can't carry her to her room so we stay on the kitchen floor until she wakes the next morning. There's a crick in my neck and she groans in discomfort. I remember that I love sleeping in a bed, and I vow to never sleep on the floor again.

I remember Jesus and Marianna telling us that they wanted to live in Puerto Rico once they graduated, that California held too many bad memories for them. I remember the cussing moms spat out, wondering what they did wrong. No matter what anybody said they didn't believe that it wasn't their fault.

And when Jude finally came out to the family, we had a party. Everybody came, including Talya and Wyatt. I remember standing in the corner with Callie, she beamed so proudly at her brother. Her smile was contagious and I found myself grinning from ear to ear with her. That night was the best night of my life. I remember the way she felt beneath me on the beach. The smell of the ocean and the scent of her hair. I remember the way she moaned as I slid into her for the first time. The kisses I peppered her face with. The murmured I love you's being carried away with the wind. I remember laying with her for hours, praying that it would never end.

I remember when he took her from us. The phone call at 2 am and the front door having been kicked in. I remember the blood that stained her bed, and the scream of terror she shouted before she disappeared. I remember running after his green jeep in my bare feet, but he sped away. I remember the headlines the next day, even if I don't want to.

Mom asked me if I wanted to ID the body, and I remember nodding my head yes. I remember the tears that streamed down my face when I looked at her, blue, cold, lifeless on the table in front of me. I remember breaking down in that hallway and nothing could bring me back. I tried to forget the trial that acquitted him for her murder, because she was cast as a runaway. I tried to forget the constant howls of pain from Jude each night. I tried to forget her. I tried to forget the accusatory stare he gave each and every one of us. As if to say you could have saved her, why didn't you. It broke my heart…

But I remember her smile, and the way she used to laugh when I told a stupid joke. I remember the plans we made, and the love we shared. I remember our long conversations about nothing. And the ones we had that told me everything. I remember how she used to chew her food, or always drink her orange juice. I remember the first day she came to live with us, and the last day she was here. I remember the way her hair used to blow in the wind.

I remember graduation and the moment of silence that was held for her. I remember seeing his face in the back of the crowd, the smug smile he wore. I remember Jude walking on stage to accept her diploma. I remember it all. I finally got the courage to get behind the wheel of a car, and I finally found our map. I took that trip and I never came back.

I remember Callie Jacobs, each day when I wake and each night when I go to sleep. I stand at her grave ten years later and weep because I remember the way she was. It's haunting when I look at her picture in my wallet, and if I stay still long enough when I first wake up I can still hear her. And when I am on that cusp between dreams and reality I think my wife is her. I remember her when I call my daughter for she is her namesake.

I remember you Callie, and I won't ever forget.

**End.**


End file.
